Smiling

I'm trying to smile. But its so hard when you don't really mean it.

This is it

I've made a huge decision today. I'll be registering with Wawasan Open University in Logistic and Supply Chain Managment this sunday without telling my mom for July intake. She's been the object of objection every single time I announced that I want to pursue my study. So, I'm leaving her out of this. My big brother say he will help me out by sponsoring for half of my study and my other brother will borrow me some if I need it for study. I'm honestly moved by my brothers action and to think that I've been always so disappointed and angry with them because of my own jealousy that they can do whatever they want and me having to do exactly what my parent asked. I realized now that the choice is mine to make. And I've choose to comply with my parent. But I hope this will be the end and the beginning of a new start.

Living is Hardcore

How come school teaches you the basic of everything but living? Living is so hardcore. I mean no one ever told you about all the life contouring decisions or even the fact that not all thing is just as it seems to be? Life is not as simple or even pleasant as how it appears to be in the fun days of school. Government should really consider a study plan on how to survive in this vicious cycle that we have to live in as soon as we are done with schools. How many graduates that could not fit in this thing we called living? 

Living is a very simple word that we get accustoms to but we never really understood what it means. Yes, you can quote the definition of living from Wikipedia or dictionary or even ask your folks about it. But how many of them will really lay down it for you?

Living is surviving. Living every day is surviving every day. It is just that simple. Here are 3 rules to surviving every day that I found out the hard way.

No 1

People don’t always want to hear the truth and they always only want to hear what they want to hear.

No 2

Patience will bring you to a great length. 

No 3

If you are able to draw a clear line between friends and your professional life, working won’t be such a bitch.

Works Tough

Its actually true, the fact that it's definitely hard to find a job/career that you enjoy that don't suck. This few weeks been disasterous and i keep getting swallowed by everything that I did. Some customers a dick and such a pain in the ass but some as nice as a nice people could possibly be. N p/s: the newcomer is an ass.

Ain’t a Good Day

Man~ Just as soon as I’m getting confidence in the job I’m doing, I made a mistake. This is bad. It makes the people working with me has to do a double job. I shouldn’t have act all confidence and proud and rather pay more close details to the things I’m doing and be very careful handling it. This sucks.

I feel bad by just the thoughts of it. Aww Man!~~

Fuck This. I Dont feel that good working here. But I couldnt tell Ah Su cause she always brush it off, saying that I'm pretending and only wanted to show off. And I don't feel like explaining to Evon all the way from the beginning. She dont even know who is who. My mom, dont even get me started. She dont gets me, all she do is mad at me. She wants me to study and work at the same time but I could only do one thing at a time. I'm not super smart or super dedicated. I could barely concentrate on one thing, what more I have to handle 2 things. I'm really exhausted and depressed.

But I couldnt tell anyone. I dont know what I want or what I'm searching for. I dont know what I'm doing or what I'm searching for. My heart is aching now. I swore I could cry if I'm not in office now. My heart feel so hollow. I care-less bout anything or anyone. I keep losing myself in my own world. My imaginary world; not methaphorically. I'm so caught up with myself and everything else doesnt matter. I have no guts and lots of compressed ego. I got nothing.

I reveal my feelings here in a place that no one goes. People around me dont even know I'm blogging. Even if they do know, they dont know where is it. Im not really keen to tell them either. This is the only place where I could really be honest about everything. A place that I know nobody will judge me. I know I'm pretty sarcastic all the time but I also know the reason why I'm sarcastic is because I'm scared. Well as they say, the first step to recovery is admitting your flaws/weaknesses.

A Brand New Flight

The last time I've blogged was before raya and mooncake fest of year 2010 and now its 12 March,2011. Wow~ its been that long.

Here's the thing, I've never thought of going back to blogging but look where I am now. Apparently, I'm bored to death and blogging makes me look like I was doing something. Oh well...

Remember the last time I said I work in a dead end job with lots of work, well not anymore. I'm proud to say now I'm an executive in a listed company. AweSome!!!!! But the only down part is that I don't really have any work to do here as it's only been 2 weeks I'm here. I'm so used to be so occupied during working time that the time flies like a G6, now doing nothing really bother me much. Time was as slow as a G666, direct flight to Land Boredom.

Now here in the new company, there so much things to learn and so little things I've known. As usual, the people was great here. And yea, They speak Chinese here. But my Chinese getting better and its a no problem as long as I can get my message across. But if they're talking fast, OOoo Emmm Geee!!!!!!

And I've just heard a few a places had been hit by tsunami and earth quake. My condolence to those that have lost somebody they've known. Its been awful, so I've heard from a friend but I havent really read about it yet. But I will.

Till here. Life too short to keep talking about. Just live it.

Updated a little only

How long has it been since the last time I've blogged? Hmm~~


Feels like ages ago.


Anyway, Raya was here and Mooncake fest coming up. Looking forward to play lantern (kiddie one) with my bros and sis-es. Gonna be one good of a day. That's all.
Not feeling that awesome today.


Nites/morning/afternoon(choose any one).

Another Saturday~ of work!

Em~ Not sure how to say this out but... her mouth stinks like hell. I have to look away just to breathe in. Haiz~~

And I was left alone in the room for the whole morning. Awesome~ No phone calls, no noise... Peacefull at last...

But I was bored... Bored like hell~

UguguguGagaga~~

Its weird that now I'm blogging for most of the days in a week. Except for Sunday ofcourse. I mean, now I'm craaping all about this (un)interesting field of job. Man~ I'm exhausted just from the thoughts of it.

Pretty soon, there would only be me and my boss's wife doing the billing in the back. Both of my collegues who's with me doing the behind the scene job was leaving. One to futher his study and the other one was forced to leave. It was sad to see them both go.

Pretty soon I'll be doing two person job. Not quite sure I'll be able to handle it or not. I'm feeling so stressed out already. I'm trying to look for a job that don't require a lot of responsibility. Sorta like a dead job without any bright future lights. It's less stressfull. But I dont want to leave the collegues I have now. They were all awesome people. Not sure I'll be able to find people like them anymore.

Oh yea, my headache that I thought was gone come back already. It hurts every single day. Same goes with both my leg. It hurts just from standing, make me feel like I dont even want to move a muscle. Just wanna lay back and watch the world as they pass me by. Sound poethic, huh? My appetite was a goner. Dont really feel like want to do anything at all. Sorta feeling like LLLLllllllAAAaaaaaaZZZZZZZZZy.

Before I forget, the whore starts to treat me back like the last time. Not sure when is my next outburst or whether it'll be minor or major this time around. Let's hope its nothing too much to handle.

Emm~

Gotta go~

Emm~ Wait-- What??!!

Zzz~

Today was a slOooo...wwwWWWwww day.

Damn, I felt like I was having a hangover. But the weirdest part is that I havent drink for a while now. Not interested and not missing it at all. Long live soberness!

My mom's birthday today. Got to head back early for the 7pm dinner. Not sure what we'll be having except there is definitely pork on the table. AWESOME!!!!!!!

But I'm broke already and it's only middle of the month. Got to save up for something else. Now I feel like I'm not sure whether I'll be able to save enough for this end of the year trip or not.

And yeah, It's 3.30pm in the office and I have just pick up the ringing phone phone saying "good morning, Lee****". And I'm like wait-- What?? Luckily the otherpeople on the other line didn't notice it.

So yeah, that's all.

Bye, my Boo(s)~~

This Whore Sucks Badly~

There's this bitch that works where I work who bitches around like a big fat ugly stupid lazy whore, literally. Man~ I treated her with respect as she is older than me by 2 years but she look like she's married with a million kids.

What the fuck is wrong with her? She shouted and screaming or talk nicely whenever she pleased. She have no regards for other people's feeling and takes advantage out of every single fucking situation regardless whether it have anything to do with her or not. She's lazy and have an addiction to bossed people arround. This mother fucking whore does not even know what she done wrong and love to play cute and innocent which totally grossed me out.

Man~ Wake up, you mother fucker!!!!!

You look horrible no matter what you wear and you stinks like hell(methaphorically). How it is possible for someone like to get "tapped" by anybody??!!! I mean, I dont even have a boyfriend and she got a boyfriend and a few ex-es!!!!!!!!!!! Oo EMmm GeeEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She have no idea how disrespectfull she is to others and she still dare to ask what's wrong??? What the hell is wrong with her, seriously??!! Futhermore, she ask me why I didn't reply her message and I'm like, "DWAaGG!!!!!!!!!!" Do you seriously still have to ask, you miserable piece of shit. Ofcourse, I dont feel like replying you thats why I didnt reply!

*It plays like that in my mind*

Anyway, Life's good here. I'm just gonna give her the cold-shoulder and ignore her whenever possible. The people her treat me great and I love them all. So, yea... Real friends are easy to find, you just got to know where to find them and how. So lets this one last longer than last time and forever.

Lots of Love From Me to You..~~

Just plain thoughts~

There was times when I wish so much to be more than anybody but somebody. I don't want to live a life that was too simple. I need something more; power, $$ and especially living. What is it like living with wealth and in style? being famous for all the good things and not being notorious in any form or way.I want to be on the winning side and never on the losing side but winning side does not mean it is the right side. You know what I mean?

I refuses to be lawyer as they always try to justify their choices according to their personal needs. Most of them starts of by wanting to be the noble one but looks what ends up to most of them? Greed... Greed for all the things that they does not posses. They manipulate, twist and corner people to the end of the wall to get what they want and maybe even commit murder in more than one sense and getting away with it.

But I guess most people are greedy even me in more than one way. some people have greed in power, $$,living and such a shame to say that even humanitarian are also have greed for self-fullfilment. And I have greed for everything...

Lets skip the whole sad things and come back to the happy thing I'm about to tell ya'll.

Emm~

I have none.

Next time I guess.. Next time I'll definitely tell you the good things.

I hope.

Such a shame!~

Today, i witnessed a real bad thing done by a company to one of its employee. It was such a shame that it was done in such a way.As fellow human, it is totally unreasonable to push an employee to such an extend. Its sorta like a choice between life and death. It's just so pity that they choose such a method to get rid of someonewithout having to pay anything.Damn~ Shame on ya.

Anyway, just posting out a shout-out just to let everyone know I'm still alive and kicking and nothing will bring me down~ Wakakakakaka...

emm...
So yea..that's all.
Chao~~

Em~ Have I told ya?

Its been a month and 6 days 3 hour since i started work in this company. Man~ I havent get my wages yet. I'm curious like hell thinking of the amount of $$ going into my almost empty bank account that i purposely open for it. I've been doing about 45 hours od OTFT (Over The Fucking Time) that I despise so much and that I reluctantly do.

And did I mention that the clock here was faster 10mins? Yea~ Its faster 10 god-damn minutes. So, even if I reach exactly at 8. I'll still be late for 10 mins. And I've been late for almost a week now. LOL~ Been having breakfast for almost everyday with my collegues and to which I thought was awesome. I learn more every single day. I've met a lot of- how would I put this- unusual people to which I was fine with it, Just that sometimes, I rather never met them at all. It's exhausting to have to deal with the same shit day after day. So Fuck with them. (I mean no harm, Just want to get it out of my boobs aka chest)

And did I mention already my paycheck havent meet me? Whats wrong with them?? Haix...

LOL~ Anyway I've went to dinner with my boss last night. I think his name was Ting Kar Ting? Ting Kar Hing? Ting Kar Hong? Oh well, whatever his name is, He's a good man with vision. I'm not sure If he knew his speech inspired me or not but the important thing is I sarted to see hopes and future of this company. It would have been awesome to be part of something awesome. You get me? AWESOME~~

Chao~ for now anyway.

Lots of love.

My Almost a Week On The Job

Haven't been working for a week but I've already working towards the midnight clock. Its actually a very interesting line of work but it could also be too overwhelming. Sometimes, I don't really understand what they saying during the explanation process but I'm working on it.

Quite frankly, this is not my dream career and it is not what I imagine it would be and what I'll be doing. I've been key-ing inputs to the computer, learning a whole new thing that's was even in my field of skills and crashing my heads trying to memorise a whole bunch of infos. Everyday is a hectic day and without my collegues beside me, I clueless about what to do next and what to do with it. Its mind blogging trying to dig your way out of it.

Anyway, I'm learning lots and all thanks to these awesome collegues. I'm still learning a lot of new things and hopefully I can master it soon. I don't want to keep being the boulders strapped on their back. Having to teach me and guide me only slows down their work.

P/S: I'm still confuse with the office politic here but everybody seems nice. And of course, there is always those who dislike each other and all I'm trying is to remain neutral and not choosing sides nor critics one another. They both got their good and bad sides. Beside, who am I to judge them?

Lots of Love,

Jaime

I'm back. Here's the preview in a flash.

Been searching for jobs for weeks now and fially got one. I'm actually on work right now but seriously, there is nothing for me to do. Its my first day after all. Chao~

The City Market

Went out with a group of friends from Form 6 to watch movie, The Karate Kid. Just curious, why is it named as Karate Kid when the martial arts that Jayden Smith was thaught was Chinese Kung Fu? Nevermind me, the movie is still a good one although I expect more out of it. After that, we went to KFC for brunch and we have Family feast set B x 2. And we did finish all of it and I even takeaway the bones for my dogs. LOL~ Then, I went to do a few errands for my mom and go back home.

Just want to shout out here that the best beef noodle is still at the old market in the city. Not to mention that, I ordered "special" from the drinks stall, the 1 next to sotong kangkung, "wat" Ann, is nice. The guy add lots of milk into it and cost only RM 1.80/bowl. And the beef noodle cost around RM4. The price varies depending on the size of the bowl of noodle you've ordered.

Truth be told, its been years sice the last time I went there and it still look very much the same. The soya bean drink apek still add ice to the already diluted soya bean. There are this one time, my mom and bro told me that they drag the ice across the floor of the market to their stall. You might think that this is still acceptable but hear this, the ice wasn't wrapped up with anything!!! It was pure ice only slidding on the floor. This make it seems like the scene where the soya bean apek halfed the ice by smashing against the pole doesn't matter much.

Till here. Feeling sleepy already. Nites...

P/s: Nice meeting all of you ( Form 6 Friends) again~ Wish you the best of luck in whatever you planned to do next.

From The Bottom of My Heart Where It Hurts The Most

I realised something, suddenly. I've come to realised how much I hate myself by blaming others on what I could not do which in turn if only I tried harder, I would not need to blame others on what I could not achieve and starting to love myself again. Do anything I say make sense to you?And to make matter worse, I knew about it and seems to do nothing about it although I want it to change so badly. This left me feeling patheticand parasite-ing.

I grew greedy with power and wealth that it blinds me sometimes. It is such a shame to say I'm doing things to others what they did to me. I grew tired of constantly been pick upon and did it to someone else who did nothing to me. Life is so unfair!! Why couldn't I do it to the same person that did it to me? Am I scared or threathened by them?

I don't know bout you but I have hard times trying to keep my friends. I'm not sure what to do with them. I don't get along very well with my friends from college and the last time I actually see and spoke to them was months ago. My friends from school are deminishing. My National Service friends was a past history since it been 3 years I think, since the last time we met up. One of the reasons are most probably the fact that they are on the west and we are on the east side of the country. but netherless, although we have few friends who's living in the same city, we didn't meet up. Our friendship only stretches far out on FB.

Now that all of us are growing up, it makes me feel like we have less and less time with one another. It may sound to you as if I'm talking about my partner or something but it's not. I never like anybody to the extent that I have a feeling and desire to have them. Personally, I think it's troublesome but from what I hear from my friends, you don't get lonely. It would be a lie if I say I don't get lonely sometimes but in the end, I got through that feeling and continue living my life. Back to my story, I'm actually referring to my childhood friends. All of us grew up and change right before our very own eyes and sometimes we are not used to the change and fall apart from each other. I don't want it to happen to me. Pathetically, they are the last of friends that I could pour my heart to. Although at times I didn't give much to tell about me to them but if I feeling like telling somebody, they would be the very first few people I would call. I would have like it if they are someone I can call when my heart was aching mad like hell. But I wouldn't want to burden them with my problems. One person suffering is way better than two.

Oh well, shit happens.

Yours truly,
The Pain Of Being Stabbed Right At The Heart

Sucks to be me

I realised it had been almost a year since the last time I blog. Actually, I wasn't planning to continue blogging but tis few recent months I felt like I got tons to say but nowhere to say it out. So I'll give the preview of the past months that I've been living in.

As a start, I just completed my course and had yet to gradute officially but my future already seem awfully dark. I don't think I'll be able to go anywhere to study or anything. My dad was awesome in making empty promises and my mom was terrific in bringing me down. It seems that they are unable to support my studies but the rest of my brothers still could pursue theirs. The truth is i am jealous of them like hell much. I'm jealous cause they can choose their own paths and I on the other hand, have to take whatever they gave me. Well hell, I even jealous that they got penis instead of a vagina with a monthly scheduled pain and also the fact that they can pee standing.

Truthfully, I'm terrified to be adult. To me, they seems like a bunch of parasite robots and untrustworthy. I dont want to grow up but it seems to me I had no choice but to step into this gruesome world of liars. Not so hopefully, I can do it by selling, donating and getting rid of all my childish stuffs like my soft toys, bean bag, speaker and guitar that tied me up in the wold of teenagers that fill with dreams and hopes and optimism.

But maybe I can keep my guitar?? I really loved it...

I've been eating non stop ever since I've finished in April. Eat, sleep, do house works are all I ever did since. My hatred to my mom was building up intensely that I started to avoid seeing and talking to her. For some reasons, to me, it seems like she is getting more selfish and stingy as the day passes. I hated the fact that I felt like I was not appreciated. I hate it even more when I felt like i was being used. Being used by somebody makes you seem like you're just plain too stupid to realise it.

On the side note, I think like everything else in the world, I've changes too, regretably. I've gotten more stingy, terrible to friends, the not caring attitude and worst of all, I've become a person that I myself dislike. What happened? I don't want to be the me now, it's pathetic. I mean I am pathetic. Keep hoping that things will work out like it always do. Seems like I ran out of luck. No more I'm so lucky I got through without breaking a sweat.

Signing off,

sucks to be me

Wow~~

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Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.